L for Linda

ME: “Herro?” (in a deep Igbotic accent)

Okon: “Hello?, Oboy, na u?”

ME: “how far na?”

Okon: “Oboy, I don die!”

ME: “Wetin happen?”

Okon: “True true, this time I’m completely finished. You hear me? I’m finished!”

ME: “You drink bleach?”

Okon: “I wish!”

ME: “Kata-Kata don burst be that!”

Okon: “Shebi you remember my babe?”

ME: “Call me heartless but I just want to use this opportunity to say; ‘I got 99 problems but a b&*ch aint one.’”

Okon: “oboy, quit clowning, it’s a big issue.”

ME: “What is her name again? I know its one of those 'supermarket names'. AHA! Laura! Is she 2 months pregnant?”

Okon: “Laura is my ex. I’m talking of Linda. The one with the standoffish default demeanor”

ME: “Oh yeah, the general’s daughter, how could I forget, you got us acquainted at Shoprite. Nawa for you and your big English, you say na Standoffish wetin wetin? Because she snubbed you once or twice! So why are you finished? Is she a man?”

Okon: “Are you going to let me sulk or not?”

ME: “shoot”

Okon: “I swear the thing just dey like Nigerian movie”

ME: “ehen…”

Okon: “I don’t even understand what kind of ill luck has come upon me”

ME: “go on…”

Okon: “I feel like I should just shoot myself in the head”

ME: “okaaaay…”

Okon: “there is no reason why fate should choose me for…”

ME: “oboy, you want me to beg you or what?”

Okon: “Ok, Ok, Ok. You know how I always call my chic?”

ME: “like a million times a day? I have a rough idea.”

Okon: “That’s how it started. I was doing my standard ‘missing you’ routine, the one where I say I just want to cuddle you right now, even a half cuddle would do…’”

ME: “Too much detail”

Okon: “Anyway, I just dey form ‘crazy in love’, asking her if there was no way she could skip classes and come around, after all her UNI isn’t too far from Lag. All of a sudden I could hear that beep that hints of an incoming call. She hangs up.”

ME: “Linda hung up on you and that’s why you are making noise. Oboy this is an international call oh. Stop whining over completely superficial issu… ”

Okon: “E never finish. So I try to call back but only got connected like half an hour later. I switch to ‘bad cop’ mode.”

Okon: “Linda, Did u just hang up on me?”

Linda: “Don’t be silly. I’m totally out of batteries and NEPA is at it again. This call will prolly get cut off soon”

Okon: “I thought I heard an incoming call?”

Linda: “Yes oh mumsi was calling”

Okon: “So you hung up?”

Linda: “Mr. Paranoia. My battery ran out and I don’t appreciate you calling me a liar.”

Okon: “Baby sweets, don’t mind me jo. You know sometimes I just care too much”

ME: “Baby sweets? Whatever happened to ‘Baby spice’?

Okon: “Baby spice was for Laura. I don’t recycle.”

ME: “Oh ok. So you asked her to come to Lagos?”

Okon: “She declined, her reason being that she’s got a bunch of tests lined up for the week. Last time I checked Education outranked fornication, hence, I could live with that.”

ME: “Do I need a torchlight to see the punch line?”

Okon: “Oboy, stop interrupting me now. If you don’t want to hear the story just let me know. Na by force? Where was I now? See what you’ve caused.”

ME: “Ode! You were saying tests no gree am come Lagos.”

Okon: “Whatever. Anyway, I got to work around 8pm cos I was setup for night shift. After a couple of hours I was too damn tired to complete my shift, besides nothing much was happening. You know how my work be now? If anything goes wrong I’ll get an sms, so I just decided to go home and sleep jo. On my way out of the office I run into a colleague. The guy works in Benin branch but was in for some sort of training. He was being lodged in one of my company’s designated hotels. He asks for a lift. It was on my route. Why not?”

ME: “I think I’m joining the dots”

Okon: “Don’t intuit, just listen. So I drop him off and start heading home. 15km from the hotel, my phone rings. The guy forgot a folder in my car. I was a bit piqued that the dude even had the audacity to ask me to bring it up to his room. I had the urge to return it the following day but trust me, regular Santa, I headed back.”

ME: “Abeg no dey form posh, who introduced you to santa? I think say na only father Christmas you sabi.”

Okon: “U dey craze. Anyway, just check this out. I got to the hotel. I park my car. I walk to the entrance. I reach for the door but It swings open from the inside. You know that kind of soundtrack that plays out in a Nigerian movie when some spiritualist is disappearing and appearing?”

ME: “Like trying to form a tune with zapping Lasers?”

Okon: “Exactly! The thing just dey blast for my head.”

Okon: “Can you imagine?”

Okon: “1:00 am.”

Okon: “In this Lagos! And certainly not preparing for any tests!”

Okon: “In a nondescript hotel!”

Okon: “Linda!”

Okon: “Alleged-virgin Linda!”

Okon: “Daddy’s-driver-chauffeured-everywhere Linda!”

Okon: “My own Linda!”

Okon: “Hand in hand with another man!”

ME: “Bullshit!”

Okon: “I shit you not!”

ME: “NA Lie!!”

Okon: “I swear on everything dear to me!!”

ME: “OOOOOOHHH MEEEEEEEEN!”

Okon: “My sentiments exactly!”

ME: “Oboy, I’m nonplussed. Whenever I see stuff like that in a movie I always dismiss it as exaggeration.”

Okon: “well, my life just got exaggerated.”

ME: “It sounds so unbelievable, I mean, look at the sequence of events”

Okon: “O boy na that one tire me. I made a bunch of choices that led to that climax. If I had decided differently along the line at any one time, I no for catch am!”

ME: “Tell me. Wetin you do? Or better still, what did she do?”

Okon: “Nothing”

ME: “Nothing? What type of nothing?”

Okon: “The regular type. Absolutely nothing. I stood there like a privileged scarecrow and watched them leave”

ME: “You did what??? Wait, wait, wait. She didn’t see you?”

Okon: “I said I was right in front of the door. Of course she saw me”

ME: “You didn’t even call out her name?”

Okon: “In retrospect, maybe I should have but what would it profit me? It was already embarrassing enough. She was mouth agape and all that. If she could disappear, she would have done so. I don’t even know why the guy did not notice anything”

ME: “What was the guy like?”

Okon: “I know him.”

ME: “You sabi am? From where?”

Okon: “He’s her ex, a manager in my office. But we don’t talk. The last time I had a fight with her was because of some suspicious text messages from the guy but she insisted it was over between them.”

ME: “Maybe they were coming from fellowship. You know, siblings in Christ.”

Okon: “I go nod you from here oh”

ME: “Okay lets get progressive. What would you do?”

Okon: “I duno, I’m still strategizing.”

ME: “Oboy, I have to blog about this”

Okon: “No try am oh!”

ME: “Why not? It’ll be okay. I’ll call you Okoro or Okon and the slut can be Violet”

Okon: “Use Linda. You know Linda means snake! What am I talking about? Abeg don’t blog about it, I don’t need my dirty linen in public”

ME: “Don’t be a dumbass. No one would know it’s your crap.”

Okon: “I said I don’t want!”

*beepbeep, beepbeep*

ME: “Is that an incoming call?”

Okon: “yup, it’s the serpent. Make I see wetin she wan talk. I’ll give you feedback. Remember, if you blog, I’ll sever your jugular”

ME: “One”

Okon: “One”