Don Agustus Del Pedro Hugo

I've always been amused by latinos with their compulsory four names and the fondness they've got for every one of them down to the very last phoneme. Don Agustus del pedro hugo is no one I know, its just one of them latino names unconnected to anything but I’ve grown to like, cant even remember where I heard it, nevertheless it really does sound nice to say. Don Agustus del pedro hugo.

My boss is “latino”, he’s from Ecuador, workaholic/party animal (aren’t we all? lets just say he takes it to another level but that’s a different story). Anyway, he summons me into his office to discuss some upcoming jobs and I’m seated, chilling, watching him work on his laptop. He has got this huge external monitor newly hooked up to his laptop, its always left blank but by pushing a couple of buttons on his computer, it doubles as a larger laptop screen, he only uses it when he needs to show someone some stuff, apparently for the convenience of not having you walk behind his desk just to take a peek at his laptop screen.

So as I dey siddon for there directly facing him, dey revise all the job related issues for my head, the IT guy (Russian, half competent with English) walks in and the following conversation ensues.

IT guy: Can I look into the SPAM problem now?

Boss: Just a minute let me round up some important issues.

Misunderstanding my boss, the IT guy starts to get behind the desk, my Boss cuddles his laptop like a mother would do a baby, making sure to tilt the screen away.

Boss: I said wait a bit, “padasdee”(Russian for wait). I need to finish this.

I’m thinking this must be some pretty confidential shit. IT guy grabs a seat next to mine.

Boss seemed to be pushing one of them arrow keys, and staring dreamingly into his laptop with a half smile. The IT guy gives me this “are you pondering what I’m pondering” look, important issues my ass.

After some 10 minutes of waiting while he rounds up some important issues, he turns to the IT dude and says “Let me describe my problem to you”. Just then he closes his laptop in an attempt to give himself room to gesticulate; he uses body language to a fault. However, it seems that no one ever told my boss that when you’ve got an external monitor connected to your laptop, the act of closing the laptop shut would switch your laptop display to the external monitor. No one mentioned to him that this would always happen even if while pretending to be rounding up “some important issues”, you were indeed secretly looking at porn. Hardcore porn or not, the display would still switch to the external monitor.

It put a whole new twist to the definition of “unsolicited porn”.

What do you do in a situation like that? How do you tell your boss that he has unwittingly got some serious explicit shit out in the open? So there I was frozen, looking at the most unheralded blast of lesbian cunnilingus. Picture this, a 40 inch screen, half covered with pu_ _y and there is some tongue and some fingers and… I think u get the picture.

To think that this Latino dude should know that something was off with our faces white with surprise and our pupils dilated like one Naira coins (its not like we’ve never seen a "hairy octupus" but the scale, the venue, the circumstances), my boss, completely clueless went on ranting about how he receives emails he does not request for, and how they keep asking him to buy Viagra he does not need, the guy just went on and on and on dey yarn excess without an audience, we were there in the flesh but our minds were long gone.

He must have felt like talking to a brick wall when he traced our line of sight and went into a frenzy like he’s just seen the queen of the coast. “OH SHIT”, “GADEMN”, “WHAT THE FUCK”, “FUCK”. Stumbling over himself he quickly opens up his laptop, the external monitor goes off. We (IT guy and I) come back to earth and then he looks at us probably in the same fashion Judas must have looked at the crucifixion.

Well, after an uncomfortable stretch of silence he had the guts to say “now that’s the SPAM I’ve been talking about”

Somehow, I managed to put the lid on a mushroom cloud of laughter.

IT GUY says to my boss “Yeah, right!”

The lid came off slightly; I morphed it into a cough, bottled it up again.

Ever been part of someone’s very embarrassing moment?